


Striderberry and Douche John

by NackNack



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-08
Updated: 2013-02-07
Packaged: 2017-11-28 14:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/675254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NackNack/pseuds/NackNack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been five years since the end of the game, and quite a lot has changed. In a stroke of possible boredom and probable pretentiousness, Dave explains his current life, along with what it probably should be, in his eyes at least. It's a good thing John, who's now his roommate, is sassy enough to keep Dave in check. At least most of the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Striderberry and Douche John

**Author's Note:**

> This story sprung from a discussion and situation that my roommate and I came up with. It's now about eight months old, so I thought it was best that I write it down. So half of the credit goes to her, too.

Okay so it’s been like, what, maybe five years since shit went down? Yeah that sounds about right. Well since then it’s not like it’s been a walk in a goddamn flower factory, but life hasn’t been all that shitty (and I don’t just mean Jane or that Free Fry girl or whatever). It’s pretty much all just gone the fuck back to normal. Y’know, except for all the shit that’s still weird.

            Basically, we beat the bad guy, won the game, popped some champagne and all went home to our loving wives, if by “loving wives” you mean our suddenly reinstated past-dead guardians who all had a vague recollection of the game, then yeah. Like. It was sort of weird as fuck. We all just woke up again, looked around at our shiny, pretty ass world, and for about three seconds we thought, “That was one _fucked up_ trip,” before we realized we’d all had the same trip. And that it somehow found its way into history books.

            That was probably the weirdest thing. It was like the consorts’ lands, where they all had those scriptures or whatever talking about how one day there’d be some chosen asshole that came along and everything would be different. Well we all got back from saving the world, and it was like the Medium itself just felt kinda shitty for putting us through all that. Yeah, we didn’t make a new world, so we didn’t really win the game, I guess, but the Medium must have looked at us and thought, “Wow. That’s a bunch of hard ass motherfuckers to play through three failed sessions. It’s like they deserve at treat.”

            Look, if you tell me the Medium can’t think and that it sounds super weird and shitty for me to give it thoughts, I’ll deck you the shit out. I don’t know what it actually thought. I’m time, not mind.

            The point is, for some reason it said abracadabra or something and suddenly Earth was back. All nice and shiny and fixed, with all of our guardians and stuff. I don’t know why it wasn’t Alternia or Beforus or Earth version 2.0. It just wasn’t. Maybe the game wanted to just pick the middle man or something, like the second session out of three (four?) that played. Anyway, we all wound up back here, with John and his daddy and me and my Bro and Rose and her mom and Jade and her dog. And Jane and Jake and Dirk and Roxy all got their lives back, too, but like transplanted into our universe? Like. Roxy suddenly came here to continue her existence of living between the fated walls of her old mom’s house. And Dirk got over here and was still equipped with a fucking army of soda but no bro. I guess the Medium decided it’d help out some of us more than others? Or maybe it’s because the kids already in the game weren’t affected by time shit, but bringing people that were would have fucked stuff up over here? I don’t get it. It’s a combination between alternate timelines, which I totally get, alternate realities, which I kind of get, and the thoughts of a living (maybe?) being, which I totally don’t get. So suffice it to say. Beta kids are representing with our guardians, and the Alpha kids (why do they get to be Alpha? Shouldn’t it be us? I mean, I’m the Alpha timeline, so it’d make sense?) are here, too, just without parental figures, which sucks ‘cuz I bet I was the coolest motherfucker in that universe.

            Jake’s still got his weird obsession with skulls, though. That never changed.

            The weirdest part of all this is the trolls. Since Alternia wasn’t reinstated, but since the trolls sort of played the game, too (most of them did for a while, at least), they got dumped here. Rose explained it to me once by saying it was like some safety feature or something? Like, they won their game and just never got to open the last door, so the game still counted them as winning even though they didn’t get the benefits? So when the game made us have a place again, it didn’t want to be unfair to the guys who had _actually_ won, so it dropped them here? I think Rose was making it up, though. She makes up half the shit she says just to sound smart.

            So the trolls are here, no matter what the reason is. And no, before you ask, they’re not humans. That’d be weird as shit. It’s not like moving them from one planet to another changes what race they are. Trolls are trolls no matter where you stick them. Earth’s just kinda weird about them. I mean, like I said, this all got put in the history books somehow, but without specific names all that much. So the trolls are seen as like relics of the ancient shit that did something? I don’t even know. All I know is they get mad amounts of perks for being here. Like free coffee and food and all that, and everyone treats them like this weird mix between an endangered species and a freak show.

            Just the Beta trolls, by the way. I mean, I never really got the whole Alpha Troll thing anyway. They were dead to start with, right? How did we even talk to them? Dream bubbles aren’t my area. They’re too weird. Bubbles like that are only good for recording awesome quotes that you’ve said and making them regurgitate them at regular intervals.

            I fucking hacked those bubbles, yo.

            Only super shitty thing about all this is that we can’t really use our powers. Like how dumb is that? We died for that shit and now it abandons us. Some fickle ass bro that is.

            It was kinda awkward, too, when our guardians first came back and we had to tell them that they were dead. Like they remember being in the game I guess? And then up to when they died, but then it’s like they woke up again on the new Earth. I dunno. I don’t really get it. Bro’s just been like super protective ever since.

            Which would be cool and all if I wasn’t in college halfway across the country from him. John talked me in to going to an art school with him so we could be roommates, and that’s sweet and all but it’s cold as balls in New York. And no one seems to notice. Like, it’ll be in the forties and people are wearing their shorts and pulling a regular old Jake English thing and I just don’t get how they don’t freeze their ever-loving testicles off. Even the girls.

            Oh wait. I didn’t do the cliché college introduction, did I? Okay, here’s where you ask how I like my school. Didya say it? Say it proud. Good. I like it a lot. Now you say what year are you. Do it. I’m a freshman. Now you’ve got to look really interested even though we all know you’re just bullshitting me because it’s polite. What’s my major? It’s Music and Business. What do I want to do with it? I want to produce some sick shit. Now you smile and nod because that’s all you could think of to say and I swore at a family party and it’s getting awkward and Great Aunt Bertha spiked the punch with what she thought was vodka but just turned out to be rubbing alcohol and now people are calling ambulances because their throats are burning.

            John’s a Music Performance major, by the way. With piano. He picked up Cello as a toy but he’s pretty damn good at it and trying out for a local orchestra soon. That’s pretty cool. I guess.

            You know what’s really annoying? When a professor’s mad as shit at you and they want to get your attention so they yell, “David!” but that’s not even your real name so you keep ignoring them and they keep getting more and more fed up and you seriously just have to look and them and pity them because the poor sap’s memorized everyone’s damn name on the attendance sheet but can’t remember to zip up their fly after fucking a student in the faculty bathroom.

            Which, like, nine out of ten times is probably me anyway. I’m the student. It’s me. Which I guess makes it better that he doesn’t know my name, anyway, because how awkward would it be if the person you fucked actually knew shit about you?

            John’s asexual, by the way. And a virgin. Which he says doesn’t go hand-in-hand but I definitely think it does. How do you have sex with someone if you don’t even have a sex drive? He gets pissed when I say that but I think it’s just because he knows I’m right, like always. Seriously, guy’s got to learn to just take my word for stuff.

            Jade says I give him too hard of a time. I tell her it’s just because he’s sort of a douchebag, which is cool and all, but we can only have one token douchebag in our dorm and I sort of already claimed that title. Along with token slut, cool guy, sexy ass mofo, and relative superior being. Jade doesn’t think that’s all that funny. She’s wrong.

            Okay shit. I realize I was gonna tell you guys this sweet ass narrative about everything that’s been happening to us, but I’m like a billion fucking words into this and I haven’t started anything. It’s not ‘cuz I ramble, like John/Rose/Jade/fucking everyone says. Every damn word I utter has been blessed by the righteous angels above and deserves to have its beautiful face represented on my pages. I’m a goddamn poet.

            But because I’m bored with this, I’ll probably actually start telling you shit. Not because you asked, but because it’s more fun for me this way. Backstory sucks, doesn’t it? I mean, I got the whole time shit but I just don’t really wanna dwell on the past. What’s the point anyway?

It’s not like I can go back anymore.

Okay so this one day John walked in while I was making myself a screwdriver in the kitchen and his face was all red because he’d been rolling his cello along behind him and he took one look at me and my drink and just said those super-ass cliché words that he probably learned from like Nick Cage’s big film, _National Asshole_ or something:

“Dave,” pause, breath, look up with tears glistening in his eyes and sappy music spilling in the background. “We need to talk.”

 

 

           

             


End file.
